Great news, movie lovers! Brian De Palma has been tapped to direct the upcoming Charles Darwin biopic. The film is not a faithful historical account but centers around a more "cinema-friendly" version of the great naturalist. In De Palma';s version, Darwin is a swaggering Cuban refugee who has only three things in this life -- his balls, his word, and his theory that all living things descended from a common ancestor and have evolved over time through a process of natural selection. Darwin -- or "Charlie Montana" as he';s known in the film -- rises to the top of the the Galapagos'; cocaine-driven underworld, only to have it all come crashing down in a bloody shootout aboard the HMS Beagle. As Charlie says, "First you get the money. Then you get the power. Then you get the finches."

Don';t miss the new issue of Sasquatch Cyclist, on news stands now! In this month';s issue: Make Tracks! Our annual "Most Livable Isolated Woodland Areas" survey is in! (Watch out, Upper Saskatchewan!) Out of Sight! The five best cameras for taking blurry, inconclusive photos Sweating Like a Skunk Ape? Ten tips for eliminating fur chafe Abominable Snowjob! The inside story of the Yeti doping scandal Does "Smallfoot" Exist? A real life "sherpa" encounter Finding the Right Frame Size: Being only 6-10 shouldn';t mean having to settle for a kid';s bike Plus! Interview with funny hominid Robin Williams

Citizens in Oakland, Calif overwhelmingly passed Ballot Measure H last night, hereby changing the city';s timezone from Pacific Daylight to Hammer Time. Now, whenever someone asks what time it is, the answer will always be "Hammer Time." Oakland mayor Ron Dellums heralded the result, saying that the city';s efficiency will skyrocket by having a single, never-changing time of day. "Just think of the untold millions we';ll save on clocks and transit schedules alone," said Dellums. "I mean, you already know what time the next bus or train arrives -- Hammer Time!" Dellums also said that Hammer Time will effectively end flaky behavior. No one will ever be late for a meeting anymore because whatever time they show up will be the correct time (that being Hammer Time). As a final step, the city will also be adding the words "(Hammer Time)" to the bottom of every stop sign.

Jules is trying, Ringo. He';s trying real hard to be the shepherd. But this whole Twitter-lution thing is really getting to him. All this talk of "tweeple" and "twiggits" and "tweekends" is unfamiliar to him. It makes him nervous. And when he gets nervous, he gets scared. And when he gets scared... that';s when mother ';effers accidentally get shot. But he';s really twying-- Oh, damn, you hear that? Now you made him twalk like a jerk. There it is again! That';s the last straw! Go ahead, say "tweet" again! He dares you. No, he double dares you -- say "tweet" one more time! Because the truth is, you';re the tweak and he';s the twyranny of evil-- Argh!!!

Talk to me, Goose... Talk to me, Goose!! Ah, there you are. Yup, you';re clearly a "Goose." You';re a fiercely loyal wingman (or wingwoman) -- whether it be in a jet or at the bar. But make no mistake, you';re nobody';s sidekick. You';re too much of a free spirit for that. Granted, you may not be "top dog." But that';s never been your ambition. You';re not on some obsessive mission to be "the best" (unlike that psychotic best friend of yours). You';re just out to have a good time. People can take it or leave it -- you';re not going to change. Plus, all the ladies secretly like you the best. I just wish you didn';t have to die, man!

As part of his effort to keep the forest a family place, Mayor Brownbear announced a plan to clean up the notorious Nutpacking District, a stretch of hollow trees known for its "exotic squirrel" clubs. Under the mayor';s proposal, clubs that allow heavy petting would hereby be prohibited from selling birdseed. And all clubs would have to close by the time the owls come out. "It';s outrageous," said club promoter Jimmy Acorn, who owns both The Bushy Tail and Woodchuck';s. "The real losers in this are the flying squirrels, who are nocturnal. Now where are they supposed to go to see a little fur?" But the mayor can count on support from the conservative group Focus on the Forest, which helped pass a previous law defining marriage as between one deer and one doe.

The King Tut exhibit now on display has some nice surprises for anyone interested in the notorious Egyptian pharaoh. All of the signature elements of Tut';s tomb are there, including his mask and royal diadem. But so are lesser-known items, such as the pharaoh';s prized Kanye glasses, as well as his rarely seen red "Thriller" jacket and his Wreckx-n-Effect "Hard or Smooth" cassette. The long-lost glasses were unearthed by a team of explorers in 2005. Rumors of a "Curse of the Pharaohs" began when nearly all the explorers reported having Mr. West';s "Gold Digger" track permanently stuck in their head following the expedition, leading in one case to suicide. It turns out the song was simply on the radio constantly.

In a shocking bow to activist groups who have criticized the team as promoting a racist stereotype, the Cleveland Indians have agreed to change their team identity. The move is a "total 180," as one team official put it. The team name will be changed from the Indians to the "Invaders," and the team logo will be changed from a smiling Indian to a smiling Pilgrim. "We figured, ';In for a penny, in for a pound,';" said team president Cliff Mangum. "If we';re gonna change it, let';s go all the way." The change is not entirely a public-relations move. Mangum said that with their new identity, the Invaders will no longer be subject to the same rules -- or "treaties" -- that other teams must follow. Also, the team will enjoy an unprecedented home-field advantage. "Basically, wherever we go, that land will become ours, just by setting foot on it," he said. "So it will be like we';re playing 162 home games a year. And if any team complains, then let';s just say I hope they';ve had their Small P

What would our forefathers say if they were alive today? I';ll tell you what they';d say. They';d say, "Shame on you, homo sapien!" I mean, seriously folks, is this what 65 million years of evolution gets us? Did Suminia getmanovi give us opposable thumbs so that we could waste them on marathon sessions of "Angry Birds?" Did Paranthropus robustus scrap by on a diet of grubs and plants so that we could wither away on Krispy Kremes and Bloomin'; Onions? And did Homo erectus stand upright so that we could sit on the couch and watch "Jersey Shore?" No, dammit! Yes, if our forefathers could see us now, I';m sure they would probably wonder why they even bothered climbing out of the primordial ooze.

Get ready for the next wave of computer generated imagery! We at Headline Shirts just invented it. We';re calling it... "Drawing Stuff With Numbers, Letters and Punctuation Marks." OK, the name needs a little work, but the idea is amazing. Just look at the Zebra we made! That';s made up entirely of text characters! I';m telling you, this is going to render pen and paper useless! We';ll be zillionaires! What? It';s been around for decades? Well no one told us that. What do they call it? ASCII art? Never heard of it. Hang on, I';m Googling it... OK, I guess we should have done a little more research. But still, you have to admit this Zebra is pretty amazing.

Ten years ago, on a lonely planet, amongst dusty speakers and empty pyramids, an anonymous DJ astronaut walked atop his ship. Plugging his helmet wire into the hologram turntables in front of him, his hand raised to the sky. He dropped the needle to the record. Earth-shattering bass rippled through the dusty planet, creating hundreds of little dust clouds dotting the landscape. Thousands of lights from ships started appearing in front of the astro rocker, revealing people and aliens alike cracking open canned beer and dancing atop their trashy Spaceships. This went on for an entire decade. It was the longest DJ set this astronaut had ever played. He came back to earth battered and hung-over with only one thing on his mind: Space, Lasers, Bass and Faders. Inspired by astronauts and tested by DJs, this t-shirt fills the gap between music and space travel.

OK, fine. I';m not perfect. For starters, I can be kind of a jerk. (Though I prefer to be thought of as "territorial.") And, I';ll admit, I';m not the most faithful partner in the world. I may have turned on a defenseless zookeeper or two. (But never one who didn';t have it coming.) And yes, I may have eaten my own cubs from time to time. (Come on, you were young once!) But what do you expect? I';m a tiger, dammit! If you want me to change my stripes, you need to brush up on your ancient proverbs because that ain';t happenin';. Truth is, I got no regrets. Nada! OK, except maybe that dolphin tattoo I got on my back after losing a bet. I guess I sometimes dwell on that. But otherwise, no regrets!

Wow, look over there, folks! On that rooftop -- it';s the elusive North American night owl! What a treat -- they';re rarely seen this time of day. Night owls are similar to regular owls, except instead of hunting rodents and fish, they close down the bar on Tuesday nights. Night owls have no natural predators, but they do have a nemesis: the bush-tailed early bird. Something must have aroused this night owl for it to be awake at this hour. Ah, that explains it! As you can see, they often regurgitate the indigestible parts of their last meal. In this case, mostly vodka mixers and what appears to be an omelette. Well, at least he managed to aim it directly on that early bird';s Mercedes.

Well, well, well. Looks like we got ourselves a card-carrying member of the Hedonist Party! And speaking of party, why aren';t we having one right now? If it feels good, do it -- that';s my philosophy! Let';s start with a few words on Hedonism. Webster';s defines hedonism as the doctrine that pleasure is the sole good in life. The name derives from the Greek word for "delight." The philosopher Democritus is generally credited with-- Oh my God -- snore! What is this, school? We should be eating filet mingon in shorts, or having sex while parasailing or something. This ain';t exactly cuttin'; it for me so I';m out. If anyone needs me, I';ll be on a waterslide at a resort in Jamaica -- not giving a crap about anything outside of my utopian acropolis. Peace!

Forget high definition! Throw out your Blu-ray player! Burn your iPad and flush its ashes down the toilet just for good measure! Yes, all those technological "advancements" are as good as dead now that Headline Shirts has introduced the latest, greatest thing in personal entertainment. Presenting... STEREOPHONIC SOUND! That';s right! No more of that monophonic garbage! Stereophonic -- or "stereo" -- sound uses TWO separate channels to produce a more realistic effect by creating the impression of sound heard from various directions. Just think of what it will be like hearing your favorite opera or Buddy Holly tune-- Wait, what? It';s already been invented? When was this? No kidding, that long ago? Well I guess it did seem a little strange that no one would';ve thought of it by now. Still though, it looks cool on a t-shirt.

Need I remind all you blasphemers that Sunday is God';s day? And luckily, God is a huge football fan. Yes, my fellow believers, it is true! For if He were not a football fan, wouldst He have scheduled a full slate of contests every Sunday? Wouldst He have ordained the Super Bowl to be on Sunday? And wouldst He have allowed Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco to complete that seven-yard fade route on fourth and goal last Sunday, thus allowing this humble servant of His to win his pick-em pool for the second straight week? Nay! Sometimes the Almighty tests our faith. Like when he decided that Carolina placekicker John Kasay should miss that chipshot field goal, thus giveth-ing this humble servant a one-point loss in his fantasy league. The Lord works in mysterious ways. Mysterious, indeed. I mean, why He would care about a midseason Panthers-Browns game with no playoff implications is certainly a frickin'; mystery. But let us not try to understand His plan. Let us just rejoice and be ready! Re

Have you been feeling a little outnumbered lately? Wishing you could gather all the wing-nuts in one giant room, flick the lights off like a kindergarten teacher, and declare martial nap time? Sounds like you';re headed to the Rally to Restore Sanity. And while you';re there, dress appropriately! This t-shirt is perfect for anyone who';s game for a reasoned debate but doesn';t have the impulse (or time in their day) to dress up like Paul Revere with an assault rifle and howl at the moon about your smaller-than-usual tax break. You may have beef with the way Congress is running, but you';re pretty sure it didn';t orchestrate 9/11. You';re aware that President Obama is not a Muslim. (And you probably wouldn';t care if he was.) The truth is, you think debate is healthy. And you certainly don';t mind people voicing their opinions. Just so long as they use their inside voice.

OK, Mrs. Johnson, I know you';ve been through a lot today, but right now I need you to be brave for me. I want you to look through this window. Now, tell me: Do you see the -- uh -- "man" who broke into your kitchen? Nothing? Maybe we can jog your memory. Do you remember any strange behavior? Like -- oh I don';t know -- maybe he was riding a skateboard and speaking in rhymes? Or maybe he was looking for the great taste of cookies and milk? Or maybe he was bouncing on a pogo stick looking for pizzas to crush? What';s that? Hmmm. And you';re certain it was a "robble robble" noise? That';s all we need to hear. Number 3, step forward! The rest of you are free to go.

How many times have you wished you had an "I';d Rather Be Sleeping" t-shirt? It';s the perfect comic relief for any occasion. Think about it. How hilarious would it have been if Richard Nixon had worn this shirt during his "I';m Not a Crook" speech? People would have been like, "Wait, why are we upset with this guy again?" Or what if Marion Barry had been wearing one when he was caught with crack in his hotel room? No one would have remembered his infamous "B-tch set me up!" line -- that';s for sure. All they would';ve remembered was his amazing sense of humor! Well, ok, maybe it';s not the perfect shirt for any occasion. For instance, you probably wouldn';t want to see an airline pilot wearing it while boarding the plane. And you certainly wouldn';t want an EMT responding to an emergency call wearing one either. And it would have looked pretty weird if Martin Luther King had been wearing it during his historic "I Have A Dream" speech. Matter of fact, that would have been highly inappr

Healthcare reform, eh? Sounds like socialism to me. Economic stimulus? No thanks, Comrade! Financial regulatory reform? Well, sieg heil to you too, mein Fuhrer! While we';re at it, why don';t we all bust out the furry hats, get tanked on Stoli vodka, and do a Cossack dance all over George Washington';s grave? Because that';s where this is headed, people! Socialism. And while I have only the vaguest sense of what that word means, I know anything that ends in "ism" is bad. I mean, other than capitalism and McCarthyism, name me one "ism" that ended well? Fascism. Racism. Geo Prism. See, you can';t! Granted, I may not be an "expert" on this topic -- or even "slightly informed" on it. But that';s because reading is just another tool of the state to indoctrinate us with -- you guessed it -- socialism! In fact, if you can read this, you';re probably a socialist! You just make sure to keep your grubby hands off my Medicare and Social Security, pinko!

Viva la Seventies! You gotta love this classic shot of Elvis and Nixon. What a weird encounter that was. First, Elvis just shows up at the White House door and delivers a hand-written note saying he wants to be made an honorary drug agent or whatever. Then the two of them meet, Elvis gives Nixon a Colt .45 pistol, and they take some really awkward photos together. Strange times! That';s weird. I don';t seem to remember Nixon wearing a Darth Vader costume at the time. Thought he was just wearing a plain-old suit. Weird. Then again, it was the seventies, and people were doing a lot of weird stuff back then. Maybe everyone just remembers it wrong. But that is a little strange, no? I mean, is that a normal thing for a president to do? Especially Nixon. That guy had such a stick up his butt. (And had Star Wars even been released yet?) Holy crap, maybe Nixon was Darth Vader the whole time!

A series of recently discovered Andy Warhol prints showcasing the Pop artist';s apparent love of Star Wars will go on display at the MoMA this weekend. The exhibit, titled "Warhol: The Wookie Sessions," includes a silkscreened "Double Han Solo," a series of "tasteful" Chewbacca nudes, and a gold-plated rotary phone that supposedly calls Yoda himself. But perhaps the crown jewel of the exhibit is a previously unseen Warhol film called "Flesh, Trash, Hyperspeed," in which two jawas have a 72-minute staring contest.

The United States officially unfurled its new flag today, honoring the brave souls who lost their lives in the war against the Space Invaders. "Let it be known! Never again will our country be terrorized by neatly organized rows of pixelated, two-dimensional critters from space," said President Obama. "And may this serve as a warning to any other foe who might get any ideas -- be they giant centipedes, millipedes, Galagas, or barrel-tossing apes." This will be the first change to the US flag since the 1979, when a white triangle was added to commemorate the spaceship that saved the planet from a storm of asteroids.

I';m really glad we got to catch this DJ. German techno isn';t usually my scene but this guy spins a lot of old school beats. No, I mean, like, really old school beats. Let';s just say he';s been spinning since before E came on the scene. Matter of fact, I don';t even think pharmaceutical drugs had been invented yet. Pretty sure he got his start as the house DJ for Emperor Leopold II. I heard he once played this legendary set at Ibiza. I can';t remember which club it was, but I';m pretty sure the island was ruled by Napoleon back then, so it was a totally different scene. He loves to spin 90s tracks, but it';s probably not the 90s you';re thinking of.