Teenormous T-shirts

Get ready for the next wave of computer generated imagery! We at Headline Shirts just invented it. We';re calling it... "Drawing Stuff With Numbers, Letters and Punctuation Marks." OK, the name needs a little work, but the idea is amazing. Just look at the Zebra we made! That';s made up entirely of text characters! I';m telling you, this is going to render pen and paper useless! We';ll be zillionaires! What? It';s been around for decades? Well no one told us that. What do they call it? ASCII art? Never heard of it. Hang on, I';m Googling it... OK, I guess we should have done a little more research. But still, you have to admit this Zebra is pretty amazing.

Ten years ago, on a lonely planet, amongst dusty speakers and empty pyramids, an anonymous DJ astronaut walked atop his ship. Plugging his helmet wire into the hologram turntables in front of him, his hand raised to the sky. He dropped the needle to the record. Earth-shattering bass rippled through the dusty planet, creating hundreds of little dust clouds dotting the landscape. Thousands of lights from ships started appearing in front of the astro rocker, revealing people and aliens alike cracking open canned beer and dancing atop their trashy Spaceships. This went on for an entire decade. It was the longest DJ set this astronaut had ever played. He came back to earth battered and hung-over with only one thing on his mind: Space, Lasers, Bass and Faders. Inspired by astronauts and tested by DJs, this t-shirt fills the gap between music and space travel.

You ever have one of those good days? Like, you wake up and there';s no barking dog, no smog, and your mom';s cooking breakfast with no hog. (I don';t know, it rhymed.) You go play hoops with your friends, and you';re just messing around but you end up getting a triple-double. Then you blow a red light in front of some a-hole cops, but for some reason they don';t even care. After a little dominoes and "Yo! MTV Raps" at your friend Short Dog';s house, you go pick up this girl you';ve been trying to, um, "have relations with" since the 12th grade. That goes well, and afterwards she speaks highly of your prowess. And then, here';s the wicked part: On your way home, you see the lights on the Good Year Blimp, and it says you';re a pimp. Yes, it mentions you, personally! Like, how';s that even possible? Is somebody paying to have it say that? But whatevs, you';re too drunk to ask questions. The important thing is, nobody got shot today. For that matter, you didn';t even have to use your AK.

OK, fine. I';m not perfect. For starters, I can be kind of a jerk. (Though I prefer to be thought of as "territorial.") And, I';ll admit, I';m not the most faithful partner in the world. I may have turned on a defenseless zookeeper or two. (But never one who didn';t have it coming.) And yes, I may have eaten my own cubs from time to time. (Come on, you were young once!) But what do you expect? I';m a tiger, dammit! If you want me to change my stripes, you need to brush up on your ancient proverbs because that ain';t happenin';. Truth is, I got no regrets. Nada! OK, except maybe that dolphin tattoo I got on my back after losing a bet. I guess I sometimes dwell on that. But otherwise, no regrets!

Wow, look over there, folks! On that rooftop -- it';s the elusive North American night owl! What a treat -- they';re rarely seen this time of day. Night owls are similar to regular owls, except instead of hunting rodents and fish, they close down the bar on Tuesday nights. Night owls have no natural predators, but they do have a nemesis: the bush-tailed early bird. Something must have aroused this night owl for it to be awake at this hour. Ah, that explains it! As you can see, they often regurgitate the indigestible parts of their last meal. In this case, mostly vodka mixers and what appears to be an omelette. Well, at least he managed to aim it directly on that early bird';s Mercedes.

Well, well, well. Looks like we got ourselves a card-carrying member of the Hedonist Party! And speaking of party, why aren';t we having one right now? If it feels good, do it -- that';s my philosophy! Let';s start with a few words on Hedonism. Webster';s defines hedonism as the doctrine that pleasure is the sole good in life. The name derives from the Greek word for "delight." The philosopher Democritus is generally credited with-- Oh my God -- snore! What is this, school? We should be eating filet mingon in shorts, or having sex while parasailing or something. This ain';t exactly cuttin'; it for me so I';m out. If anyone needs me, I';ll be on a waterslide at a resort in Jamaica -- not giving a crap about anything outside of my utopian acropolis. Peace!

Forget high definition! Throw out your Blu-ray player! Burn your iPad and flush its ashes down the toilet just for good measure! Yes, all those technological "advancements" are as good as dead now that Headline Shirts has introduced the latest, greatest thing in personal entertainment. Presenting... STEREOPHONIC SOUND! That';s right! No more of that monophonic garbage! Stereophonic -- or "stereo" -- sound uses TWO separate channels to produce a more realistic effect by creating the impression of sound heard from various directions. Just think of what it will be like hearing your favorite opera or Buddy Holly tune-- Wait, what? It';s already been invented? When was this? No kidding, that long ago? Well I guess it did seem a little strange that no one would';ve thought of it by now. Still though, it looks cool on a t-shirt.

Need I remind all you blasphemers that Sunday is God';s day? And luckily, God is a huge football fan. Yes, my fellow believers, it is true! For if He were not a football fan, wouldst He have scheduled a full slate of contests every Sunday? Wouldst He have ordained the Super Bowl to be on Sunday? And wouldst He have allowed Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco to complete that seven-yard fade route on fourth and goal last Sunday, thus allowing this humble servant of His to win his pick-em pool for the second straight week? Nay! Sometimes the Almighty tests our faith. Like when he decided that Carolina placekicker John Kasay should miss that chipshot field goal, thus giveth-ing this humble servant a one-point loss in his fantasy league. The Lord works in mysterious ways. Mysterious, indeed. I mean, why He would care about a midseason Panthers-Browns game with no playoff implications is certainly a frickin'; mystery. But let us not try to understand His plan. Let us just rejoice and be ready! Re

Have you been feeling a little outnumbered lately? Wishing you could gather all the wing-nuts in one giant room, flick the lights off like a kindergarten teacher, and declare martial nap time? Sounds like you';re headed to the Rally to Restore Sanity. And while you';re there, dress appropriately! This t-shirt is perfect for anyone who';s game for a reasoned debate but doesn';t have the impulse (or time in their day) to dress up like Paul Revere with an assault rifle and howl at the moon about your smaller-than-usual tax break. You may have beef with the way Congress is running, but you';re pretty sure it didn';t orchestrate 9/11. You';re aware that President Obama is not a Muslim. (And you probably wouldn';t care if he was.) The truth is, you think debate is healthy. And you certainly don';t mind people voicing their opinions. Just so long as they use their inside voice.

They say Abe Lincoln';s ghost haunts several rooms of the Whitehouse. That';d probably be a pretty scary ghost. I mean, even when Lincoln was alive he looked like death warmed over. I don';t even want to imagine what he looks like dead. Think about it, though. If you didn';t know he was the most beloved president of all time, savior of the nation, emancipator of the slaves, he';d pretty much be the stuff of nightmares. Those sunken cheekbones. That freaky, dead-in-the-eyes gaze. His head practically looks like a skull to begin with. All you need is the eyepatch and crossbones and -- presto! -- Ghost Pirate Lincoln. Do you think Ghost Lincoln would wear his bowtie and tophat? I bet not. Maybe just for special occasions, like scaring important dignitaries.

Yeah, Rick, we know. "Cocaine is a helluva drug." But so is caffeine! And while it may not compel me to slap my good friend across the face, or kick mud all over his suede couch, that morning cup of joe gives me all the buzz I need! Matter of fact, as you';re reading this, I';m on my ninth cup of the day and feelin'; great! Haven';t slept a wink in two days. Say what? Oh. Thought you said something. So what were we talking about? Oh yes, feeling great! I just wish those bagpipes would stop. Wait, seriously, you don';t hear that? I could swear I hear bagpipes off in the distance. Maybe that';s the air conditioning. Yeah, I know it';s not even on, I';m just saying. Wait, did you see that? I think a lizard just ran under the fridge. Anyways, I think we were talking about the time I almost made a triple play in Little League. What? Oh, sorry, didn';t realize I was sitting on you. Man, I think I need some more coffee!

OK, Mrs. Johnson, I know you';ve been through a lot today, but right now I need you to be brave for me. I want you to look through this window. Now, tell me: Do you see the -- uh -- "man" who broke into your kitchen? Nothing? Maybe we can jog your memory. Do you remember any strange behavior? Like -- oh I don';t know -- maybe he was riding a skateboard and speaking in rhymes? Or maybe he was looking for the great taste of cookies and milk? Or maybe he was bouncing on a pogo stick looking for pizzas to crush? What';s that? Hmmm. And you';re certain it was a "robble robble" noise? That';s all we need to hear. Number 3, step forward! The rest of you are free to go.

How many times have you wished you had an "I';d Rather Be Sleeping" t-shirt? It';s the perfect comic relief for any occasion. Think about it. How hilarious would it have been if Richard Nixon had worn this shirt during his "I';m Not a Crook" speech? People would have been like, "Wait, why are we upset with this guy again?" Or what if Marion Barry had been wearing one when he was caught with crack in his hotel room? No one would have remembered his infamous "B-tch set me up!" line -- that';s for sure. All they would';ve remembered was his amazing sense of humor! Well, ok, maybe it';s not the perfect shirt for any occasion. For instance, you probably wouldn';t want to see an airline pilot wearing it while boarding the plane. And you certainly wouldn';t want an EMT responding to an emergency call wearing one either. And it would have looked pretty weird if Martin Luther King had been wearing it during his historic "I Have A Dream" speech. Matter of fact, that would have been highly inappr

Healthcare reform, eh? Sounds like socialism to me. Economic stimulus? No thanks, Comrade! Financial regulatory reform? Well, sieg heil to you too, mein Fuhrer! While we';re at it, why don';t we all bust out the furry hats, get tanked on Stoli vodka, and do a Cossack dance all over George Washington';s grave? Because that';s where this is headed, people! Socialism. And while I have only the vaguest sense of what that word means, I know anything that ends in "ism" is bad. I mean, other than capitalism and McCarthyism, name me one "ism" that ended well? Fascism. Racism. Geo Prism. See, you can';t! Granted, I may not be an "expert" on this topic -- or even "slightly informed" on it. But that';s because reading is just another tool of the state to indoctrinate us with -- you guessed it -- socialism! In fact, if you can read this, you';re probably a socialist! You just make sure to keep your grubby hands off my Medicare and Social Security, pinko!

Viva la Seventies! You gotta love this classic shot of Elvis and Nixon. What a weird encounter that was. First, Elvis just shows up at the White House door and delivers a hand-written note saying he wants to be made an honorary drug agent or whatever. Then the two of them meet, Elvis gives Nixon a Colt .45 pistol, and they take some really awkward photos together. Strange times! That';s weird. I don';t seem to remember Nixon wearing a Darth Vader costume at the time. Thought he was just wearing a plain-old suit. Weird. Then again, it was the seventies, and people were doing a lot of weird stuff back then. Maybe everyone just remembers it wrong. But that is a little strange, no? I mean, is that a normal thing for a president to do? Especially Nixon. That guy had such a stick up his butt. (And had Star Wars even been released yet?) Holy crap, maybe Nixon was Darth Vader the whole time!

A series of recently discovered Andy Warhol prints showcasing the Pop artist';s apparent love of Star Wars will go on display at the MoMA this weekend. The exhibit, titled "Warhol: The Wookie Sessions," includes a silkscreened "Double Han Solo," a series of "tasteful" Chewbacca nudes, and a gold-plated rotary phone that supposedly calls Yoda himself. But perhaps the crown jewel of the exhibit is a previously unseen Warhol film called "Flesh, Trash, Hyperspeed," in which two jawas have a 72-minute staring contest.

The United States officially unfurled its new flag today, honoring the brave souls who lost their lives in the war against the Space Invaders. "Let it be known! Never again will our country be terrorized by neatly organized rows of pixelated, two-dimensional critters from space," said President Obama. "And may this serve as a warning to any other foe who might get any ideas -- be they giant centipedes, millipedes, Galagas, or barrel-tossing apes." This will be the first change to the US flag since the 1979, when a white triangle was added to commemorate the spaceship that saved the planet from a storm of asteroids.

I';m really glad we got to catch this DJ. German techno isn';t usually my scene but this guy spins a lot of old school beats. No, I mean, like, really old school beats. Let';s just say he';s been spinning since before E came on the scene. Matter of fact, I don';t even think pharmaceutical drugs had been invented yet. Pretty sure he got his start as the house DJ for Emperor Leopold II. I heard he once played this legendary set at Ibiza. I can';t remember which club it was, but I';m pretty sure the island was ruled by Napoleon back then, so it was a totally different scene. He loves to spin 90s tracks, but it';s probably not the 90s you';re thinking of.

Responding to rightwing attacks that he';s "unpatriotic," President Obama today unveiled his new presidential seal. The seal maintains the traditional eagle grasping an olive branch and arrows but adds a dramatic new twist: The eagle wears a "Captain America" motorcycle helmet just like the one Peter Fonda wore in Easy Rider. "You can keep your American flag lapel and lame pandering about ';real Americans,';" the President said. "This here is some next-level s**t. Oh, and check this out!" The President then pushed a button behind his podium and the eagle';s beak began moving to a recording of Steppenwolf';s "Born to Be Wild." "It';s kind of like one of those ';singing bass'; things they sell at Walmart," he said. This is the first time the seal has been modified since President Nixon temporarily changed the eagle to a cop flogging a hippie with a billyclub.

Oh, no! Tonight is a full moon! Once again, the process begins, whereby I shed my human skin and transform into... An eighties-rock clich! Yes, darkness is emerging -- it is now beyond my control! Teeth... turning to fangs. Muscles and bones... painfully... contorting! Hair... forming everywhere! And now, the final phase! I must run atop that cliff and bust into an epic saxophone solo, the likes of which has not been heard since Glenn Frey';s "You Belong to the City!" You must leave now, for I cannot be held responsible for what happens next! Oh, curse the day whence I was bitten by that shapeshifter known as "Kenny G!"

Good for you, Sarah Palin. A lesser human might have wilted under the blaze of her own, blinding hypocrisy. But not you. You';re a regular gal who gets paid $100k for a night of speaking. Only in your world could a Tea Party made of mostly old, rich whites bitching about taxes somehow be called a "revolution." And you keep on: Taking shots at the "elite media" while flying through your multi-million-dollar book tour in a Lear jet. Ranting against "socialized healthcare" even though your own family hopped the border to mooch -- um -- "socialized healthcare" from Canada. Calling yourself a feminist despite being the furthest possible thing from it. Complaining about "gotcha" journalism despite recently having to be told that Africa was not, in fact, a country. Lecturing people about abstinence-only education when your teenage daughter is already a single mom. Yes, ignorance must truly be bliss.

William Shakespeare';s Lost Sonnet O! how much more doth beauty beauteous seem By that sweet ornament which truth doth give. The rose looks fair, but fairer we it deem For that sweet odour, which doth in it live. The canker blooms have full as deep a dye... Hang on, cut the music for a second. Hi, reader, it';s Will Shakespeare here. You know, I don';t mean to come off as cocky, but this shit basically writes itself. I honestly don';t know what the big deal is. Do you know that I invented almost 2,000 words on my own? So I';m literally just making up words as I go. You know who else made up words on the fly? Snoop Dogg. You think history will remember him as a literary genius? Yup, I make up a bunch of schmancy words for linguists to guffaw over, toss in a few "haths" and "doths" for the drama majors, and -- BAM! -- instant classic every time. Seriously, there have been entire college courses taught about stuff I basically wrote on the crapper. Tellin'; you, this shit writes itself.

This has been a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. This was only a test. If this had been an actual emergency, the attention signal you just heard would have been followed by official information, news or instructions. Also, if this had been an actual emergency, the color bars on your screen would not have looked like dripping paint smears. (What was that supposed to be, anyway, some kind of postmodernist statement?) And if this had been an actual emergency, the attention signal you heard would not have been a 60-second-long fart. You sure you didn';t drop acid or something?

An artist helping to restore Michelangelo';s Sistine Chapel frescoes made a startling discovery yesterday. Underneath the surface layer of the "Creation of Adam" section, he noticed an earlier version of the work in which God is seen extending his hand to Adam in a much different pose. "In the original version, God was not giving life to Adam -- he was giving him the finger," said Adriano De Luca, the artist who made the discovery. "And it';s no accident. Michelangelo even ';pixelated'; His hand, as if it were being blurred out. Kind of like you';d see on an episode of ';TMZ'; or ';Cops.';" No one is certain how Michelangelo knew about the middle finger -- let alone pixels or computers -- more than four centuries before the gesture came to be. But experts immediately began speculating on its meaning. "Perhaps Michelangelo is using a visual metaphor to represent the complexities of man';s covenant with God," said Peter Liebert, author of The Complete Works of Michelangelo. "Or maybe he