Teenormous T-shirts

Looking for a winter getaway offering sun and solitude? Willing to settle for one out of two? Come to the North Pole! Here at 90 North latitude, we';ve got it all, including: The world';s second-largest Elf-powered workshop (watch out, Scandinavia!) A panoply of wildlife, including polar bears, birds that have veered way off course, and the occasional flying reindeer! Hundreds of miles of untouched (and constantly shifting) coastline! Absolutely no other tourists to compete with! "Easy access" (via nuclear-powered icebreaker) to some of the Arctic';s hottest cultural centers, including Svatbard, Qaanaag and Spitsbergen! So what the hell are you waiting for? In just a few short days you and your dogsled team could be lounging on the pack ice, mushing it up with the elves!

Sir Mick Jagger. Sir Paul McCartney. Sir Elton John. All these guys have been knighted by the Queen. But is that the best we can do for a rock star knight? Talented performers, yes, but these dandified relics are not our idea of a knight. (Seriously, what';s Mick gonna do, prance you to death?) No, I';m talking, like, a real medieval knight in a full suit of armor, banging the drums. (Obviously he';d be the drummer -- that';s a given.) That would be dope. And just think of the sweet band names he could have: Knight Life, Knight Moves, Gentlemen Soldiers, Coat of Arms, Old Order (like New Order but old), Chivalry Is Dead. I mean, the list goes on. How come no one';s thought of this before?

I just got back from my first soccer match in England, and, boy, was it crazy! People told me that soccer is a nuanced game of subtlety and finesse, but I did not find that to be the case. Maybe I was focusing too much on the parts of the stadium that were on fire, but to me it seemed like non-stop action! It had everything -- rioting, trampling, tear-gassing, and -- most of all -- untamed, xenophobic rage! Of course, they call it "football" over there, though I';m not really sure why. I don';t recall seeing a lot of footwork. I did see one guy get kicked repeatedly in the temple, so maybe that';s where the name comes from. But I';d say it';s more akin to dodgeball. Except, instead of a ball, they use rocks and slabs of broken concrete. The other great thing about soccer is that there are no winners or losers because every game seems to end in a 0-0 tie. I guess you';d say the real "winners" are the fans! (Except for that guy who got kicked in the temple.)

There are many dangerous game animals. The Bengal tiger. The Cape buffalo. The grizzly bear. The rabid skunk. But the most dangerous "game animal" of all is not one you';ll find mounted on any hunter';s wall. What is this game I speak of? Wait, did you say, "man?" Oh jeez, I didn';t even think of that. I was gonna say a deer with a machine gun. But man';s not a bad answer either. Shoot, you really threw me for a loop with that. But seriously, a deer with a machine gun would pretty damn scary. I know they can';t use logic or set traps like a human, but let';s say they had a special M-16 that they could fire with their hooves and easily reload. That';d be insane. And I';m sure they';d be super pissed about all the times we shot their friends. It';d be like, "Payback';s a bitch, ain';t it, ';Two Legs?!';"

Relax, PETA. No elephants were harmed in the making of this t-shirt. How can we be sure? Because all of the elephants we hire are here on their own volition. No, seriously, they contacted us. Most of them were like, "Yo, I';m tired of savanna life. My cousin said you might have a hookup for me?" And we';re all like, "OK, sure." Seriously, it';s totally low-pressure. We don';t even train them. They just show up for work, do as they please, and pick up their peanuts on the 1st and 15th of every month. Like this dude here. We have no control over whether he decides to squash that wrestler. Totally up to him. And let';s be honest. A small part of you is actually rooting for him to squash the wrestler, isn';t it? I know. Sick, aren';t we? Us humans. Here';s a man and beast working in perfect tandem together and all we can think about is what would happen if something went hideously wrong. But I guess that';s the beauty of owning this t-shirt. You can make up your own story about what happen

That';s right, go ahead. Run. Run if it makes you happy. But I';ll tell you something: You can run all day, and you can run all night, but it won';t change the face that what you';re really running from are your feelings. And you can';t hide from your fee-- Oh wait I didn';t see that cropduster coming right at us good lord man run!! Run dammit!! Dude seriously, did you piss off a farmer or something what the hell?? And while we';re at it, why the hell are you in this dusty field in the middle of nowhere in the first place? In a suit, no less? And why does everything look like it';s in Technicolor? Oh great, now he';s shooting at us?! This doesn';t even make sense. What';s next, a shootout on Mount Rushmore?

Under criticism for reverting to a more authoritarian form of government -- evidenced by disputed elections and media crackdowns -- Russia';s ruling party has begun a marketing blitz to promote the image of a free and fair democracy. But the results have been spotty. One notable failure has been a "hip" line of t-shirts showing Soviet dictators like Josef Stalin and Vladimir Lenin wearing "I Voted" pins. There is also a Stalinized version of the "Vote or Die!" t-shirt, which reads, "Vote or Die, or Be Assigned to a Gulag Labor Camp." And, courting the youth vote, officials unveiled their version of the "Vote for Pedro" t-shirt from Napoleon Dynamite, which reads "Vote for Pedro... if, by ';Pedro,'; you Mean Pro-Kremlin United Russia." Despite lackluster tee sales, the government stands by its campaign. "If you don';t vote, you can';t complain," said Dmitry Maslov, a Kremlin spokesperson. "But seriously, even if you do vote, it';s probably not a good idea to complain. Just saying."

Wait, where';s my bike? I thought I parked it where that mangled tire is sitting. Huh? Nah, son, that can';t be it. Wait... Maybe that is it. Oh, f**k, that';s totally it! I forgot about the stupid quick-release! Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap!! What do I do? Should I call 9-1-1? They must have a hotline or something for this, right? F**k dude, that was a $500 frame! How was I supposed to know that leaving it outside of Frenchy';s Adult Superstore overnight was a bad idea?? What am I, psychic? All I know is, if I see some crackhead homeless dude riding around on a custom Schwinn Paramount Series 8, I';m gonna totally bum rush his ass. Mark my words, dude.

You know the scenario. Your buddy from the midwest visits you in February, thinking California is one big, sun-soaked beach. He steps off the plane in cargo shorts and flip flops. Much to his dismay, the weather turns out to be more Scotland than San Diego. So he spends the rest of his stay in borrowed jeans and a "trolley car" fleece that he bought while freezing his nuts off at The Wharf. You show him the sites -- at least the ones that are visible -- punctuating every stop with, "You should really see this in September." He finally leaves, not exactly angry, but not quite remembering why he left Minnetonka in the first place. You feel a little bad about it. But not really. Because deep down you';re grateful for the fog and chilly weather. Nah, you love the fog and chilly weather. Because you know it';s the only thing preventing every rich d-bag on the planet from setting up camp here. (After all, that';s what LA is for.)

Suffering from flagging sales of its robotic vacuum, the company iAutomaton has introduced a new product aimed at college students. The Bingebot 2100 does not clean, cook, or even perform simple calculations. Its sole purpose is getting loaded. "Finally there';s a lifestyle robot that addresses what people age 18-to-22 want -- namely, a high tech drinking buddy," said Sandy DeGrasso, the company';s director of product marketing. "The Bingebot has two settings, BINGE and OFF. If that';s not something the average college student can relate to, I don';t know what is." iAutomaton officially does not endorse binge drinking. But if people are to binge drink, says DeGrasso, they should be careful about trying to keep pace with their Bingebot. "You don';t want to get into a head-to-head with this thing," she said. Use of the Bingebot is not recommended before noon, and users are advised to keep it out of direct sunlight.

An alleged "early draft" of Jaques-Louis David';s famous portrait of Napoleon crossing the Alps, which recently sold at auction for $2 million, has turned out to be a forgery. "To the untrained eye they may look identical," said Dr. Henry Renauld, the authenticator who examined the piece. "But if you look closely, you begin to notice inconsistencies. For example, in the original, the cuff of his gauntlet is finely embroidered and the facing of the sleeve is completely covered. In the forgery, the embroidery is simplified, with the sleeve';s facing visible under the glove. Also, said Renauld, in the original version, Napoleon is riding a horse, not a beach cruiser. And it was painted on canvas -- not a t-shirt.

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away... It';s is a really bad time for the universe. Rebel spaceships are battling Darth Vader, who can strangle people to death by simply flipping them the bird. He lives in the DEATH STAR, which kind of looks like a giant AT&T logo. (Not really sure what it does though.) Hmmm, let';s see... Oh, Princess Leia. She puts a hologram inside R2D2, who then delivers the message to... Han Skywalker. I';m pretty sure they';re brother and sister, but maybe you';re not supposed to know that yet. Wait, are the ewoks in this one? I can';t remember. Why is it called "Episode IV"? Isn';t this the first one? Ah, screw it, I';ve never seen Star Wars. And I';m proud to say it.

Really, dude? I know it';s your birthday, but how about giving the saber a rest? Just use the broomstick and blindfold. Are you still pissed that we didn';t get the Skywalker piata? Argh! I feel like you';re not even trying to have fun. See, you can';t win, Darth. Even if you strike this papier-mch donkey down, it shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine. It will rain a bounty of Tootsie Pops and Smarties. And the younglings will dive about like crazed Jawas, grabbing all the good stuff. You';ll go nuts trying to find one box of Junior Mints. But all that';s left will be some salt water taffy, a plastic whistle and some yucky fruit snacks. That';s right, Obi Wan has taught me well!

Yep, you strike me as a Maverick. I can tell just by looking at you. There';s turmoil in those eyes. You like living on the edge. No, you thrive on the edge. You might even say that you';re constantly on a "highway to the danger zone." It';s true, you have some issues with authority. It';s not disrespect. You just like to do things your way. Sometimes you rub people the wrong way. Like when you crack a mischievous smile while the captain is bellowing threats in your face about flying cargo planes full of rubber dog s**t out of Hong Kong. But what others see as arrogance, you know is just confidence. And why shouldn';t you be confident? Face it, you look incredible playing shirtless beach volleyball.

Two teenage boys are recovering after being savagely attacked by a male lion at the Toledo Zoo yesterday. Police released a mug shot of the lion and said he will face attempted-murder charges. "We';re baffled at this attack," said police chief Anthony Wright. "The two victims must have accidentally scaled the wall of the enclosure, splashed their way across the moat, and began unwittingly tossing rocks at the lion while making ';raspberry'; noises with their tongues. A totally unavoidable accident." The 400-pound beast then "went crazy," nearly ripping the two boys to shreds. Zoo officials believe that the boys only managed to escape because the lion became repulsed by the combined scent of Axe body spray and soiled pants. Wright said he hopes this will teach the lion a valuable lesson about civility. "He';ll have a long time to think about that where he';s going -- straight to captivity."

Great news, movie lovers! Brian De Palma has been tapped to direct the upcoming Charles Darwin biopic. The film is not a faithful historical account but centers around a more "cinema-friendly" version of the great naturalist. In De Palma';s version, Darwin is a swaggering Cuban refugee who has only three things in this life -- his balls, his word, and his theory that all living things descended from a common ancestor and have evolved over time through a process of natural selection. Darwin -- or "Charlie Montana" as he';s known in the film -- rises to the top of the the Galapagos'; cocaine-driven underworld, only to have it all come crashing down in a bloody shootout aboard the HMS Beagle. As Charlie says, "First you get the money. Then you get the power. Then you get the finches."

Don';t miss the new issue of Sasquatch Cyclist, on news stands now! In this month';s issue: Make Tracks! Our annual "Most Livable Isolated Woodland Areas" survey is in! (Watch out, Upper Saskatchewan!) Out of Sight! The five best cameras for taking blurry, inconclusive photos Sweating Like a Skunk Ape? Ten tips for eliminating fur chafe Abominable Snowjob! The inside story of the Yeti doping scandal Does "Smallfoot" Exist? A real life "sherpa" encounter Finding the Right Frame Size: Being only 6-10 shouldn';t mean having to settle for a kid';s bike Plus! Interview with funny hominid Robin Williams

Citizens in Oakland, Calif overwhelmingly passed Ballot Measure H last night, hereby changing the city';s timezone from Pacific Daylight to Hammer Time. Now, whenever someone asks what time it is, the answer will always be "Hammer Time." Oakland mayor Ron Dellums heralded the result, saying that the city';s efficiency will skyrocket by having a single, never-changing time of day. "Just think of the untold millions we';ll save on clocks and transit schedules alone," said Dellums. "I mean, you already know what time the next bus or train arrives -- Hammer Time!" Dellums also said that Hammer Time will effectively end flaky behavior. No one will ever be late for a meeting anymore because whatever time they show up will be the correct time (that being Hammer Time). As a final step, the city will also be adding the words "(Hammer Time)" to the bottom of every stop sign.

Jules is trying, Ringo. He';s trying real hard to be the shepherd. But this whole Twitter-lution thing is really getting to him. All this talk of "tweeple" and "twiggits" and "tweekends" is unfamiliar to him. It makes him nervous. And when he gets nervous, he gets scared. And when he gets scared... that';s when mother ';effers accidentally get shot. But he';s really twying-- Oh, damn, you hear that? Now you made him twalk like a jerk. There it is again! That';s the last straw! Go ahead, say "tweet" again! He dares you. No, he double dares you -- say "tweet" one more time! Because the truth is, you';re the tweak and he';s the twyranny of evil-- Argh!!!

Everyone knows about the first moon landing, and everyone knows about Apollo 13. But many forget that there were five other moon missions. It became so routine that NASA had to get creative to maintain viewer interest. Most famously, Alan Shepard hit a golf ball on the moon during Apollo 14. But did you know about these lesser-known lunar stunts? Apollo 12: Astronauts cover the Sea of Tranquility with plastic lawn flamingos. Apollo 15: The first lunar casino is opened. Apollo 14: NASA introduces a child astronaut, Cousin Oscar, to breathe life into the flagging program. Apollo 16: Astronauts flog a hippie with moon rocks, then return him for analysis. Apollo 17: Astronauts conduct the entire mission in drag.

Talk to me, Goose... Talk to me, Goose!! Ah, there you are. Yup, you';re clearly a "Goose." You';re a fiercely loyal wingman (or wingwoman) -- whether it be in a jet or at the bar. But make no mistake, you';re nobody';s sidekick. You';re too much of a free spirit for that. Granted, you may not be "top dog." But that';s never been your ambition. You';re not on some obsessive mission to be "the best" (unlike that psychotic best friend of yours). You';re just out to have a good time. People can take it or leave it -- you';re not going to change. Plus, all the ladies secretly like you the best. I just wish you didn';t have to die, man!

As part of his effort to keep the forest a family place, Mayor Brownbear announced a plan to clean up the notorious Nutpacking District, a stretch of hollow trees known for its "exotic squirrel" clubs. Under the mayor';s proposal, clubs that allow heavy petting would hereby be prohibited from selling birdseed. And all clubs would have to close by the time the owls come out. "It';s outrageous," said club promoter Jimmy Acorn, who owns both The Bushy Tail and Woodchuck';s. "The real losers in this are the flying squirrels, who are nocturnal. Now where are they supposed to go to see a little fur?" But the mayor can count on support from the conservative group Focus on the Forest, which helped pass a previous law defining marriage as between one deer and one doe.

In a shocking bow to activist groups who have criticized the team as promoting a racist stereotype, the Cleveland Indians have agreed to change their team identity. The move is a "total 180," as one team official put it. The team name will be changed from the Indians to the "Invaders," and the team logo will be changed from a smiling Indian to a smiling Pilgrim. "We figured, ';In for a penny, in for a pound,';" said team president Cliff Mangum. "If we';re gonna change it, let';s go all the way." The change is not entirely a public-relations move. Mangum said that with their new identity, the Invaders will no longer be subject to the same rules -- or "treaties" -- that other teams must follow. Also, the team will enjoy an unprecedented home-field advantage. "Basically, wherever we go, that land will become ours, just by setting foot on it," he said. "So it will be like we';re playing 162 home games a year. And if any team complains, then let';s just say I hope they';ve had their Small P

What would our forefathers say if they were alive today? I';ll tell you what they';d say. They';d say, "Shame on you, homo sapien!" I mean, seriously folks, is this what 65 million years of evolution gets us? Did Suminia getmanovi give us opposable thumbs so that we could waste them on marathon sessions of "Angry Birds?" Did Paranthropus robustus scrap by on a diet of grubs and plants so that we could wither away on Krispy Kremes and Bloomin'; Onions? And did Homo erectus stand upright so that we could sit on the couch and watch "Jersey Shore?" No, dammit! Yes, if our forefathers could see us now, I';m sure they would probably wonder why they even bothered climbing out of the primordial ooze.