Teenormous T-shirts

They say this guy';s the undefeated World Champ of Thumb Wrestling, and it';s easy to see why. Not a single person has been able to beat his special "sneak attack" maneuver. It happens so quick that if you';re not looking closely you might miss it. We';ll slow the footage down so you can see it right... THERE! See that? If you zoom in, you';ll see he';s pulled out a fully loaded, .45 caliber firearm. There';s just no wiggling out of that one. It';s "game over" every time. Some say it';s cheating, but I think that';s just sour grapes. He just wants it that much more than everyone else.

Listen, we need to talk. I think you';re great. A really sweet person. But I think we need some space for a while. I';m in a weird place in my life, and I';m just not ready to commit to a longterm relationship. It';s not you, it';s me. Oh, who am I kidding? It';s not me -- it';s you. It';s totally you. I mean, why would it be me? If it were me, then what would I do -- break up with myself? No, it';s clearly you. You are the problem. And as long as I';m being honest, I';m not in a "weird place in my life." I';m in a totally normal place. And I don';t need "some space for a while." I need to get away. From you. Permanently. And while I';m at it, you';re not even a sweet person. In fact, you';re kind of a dick. But I hope we can still be friends.

Sure, he';s one of the greatest and most prolific composers in the history of Western music, but can you just imagine what Mozart could have done with a keytar? Think about it. The guy wrote 27 concertos that redefined what music could be, using a regular old piano. Now strap him to an electronic keyboard with FM synthesizer, sustain switch and a virtually endless range of onboard voice effects. Rock me, Amadeus! Matter of fact, Falco';s 80s classic "Rock Me Amadeus" would have been rendered totally redundant. People would have been like, "Duh! All Amadeus ever did was rock!" Of course, giving Mozart a keytar more than 200 years before New Wave might change history in ways we didn';t expect. Perhaps a young Beethoven would have forgone his classical training to form a band called Flock of Seagulls. Who knows?

Many people know the name Che Guevara, but few know his full story. Che was a prominent figure in the Cuban Revolution, as well as a guerrilla warrior who helped lead rebellions in South America and elsewhere. After his execution, he became a martyred hero by leftists worldwide. Lesser known is his run on the TV show Magnum P.I., in which he starred as Thomas Magnum, a private investigator living in Hawaii. The show was a breakout role for Guevara and gave him an opportunity to showcase his much-overlooked comedic chops. Later, Guevara would star alongside Steve Guttenberg and Ted Danson in the 1987 smash hit Three Men and a Baby, just before his death at the hands of the Bolivian army. Wait, are you guys sure that';s Che Guevara? I';m pretty sure that';s Tom Selleck. For the hundredth time, we need to do a better job fact checking!

We know she';s got a shaky reputation, but Marie Antoinette had a point with the whole "Let them eat cake" idea. I mean, if someone was like, "You have a choice of this piece of bread or this piece of double-layer pumpkin cheesecake," what peasant in their right mind would choose bread? Now, obviously we';re not saying that one could live on double-layer pumpkin cheesecake. You would need to balance it out. Maybe mix in some German chocolate cake, along with some caramel cream gateau, and possibly a lemon bundt with rasberry rhubarb glaze. But you get the idea. In conclusion, don';t viva la revolucion. Viva la cake!

Welcome to Slashing Pines Summer Camp! Now that your parents are gone, let';s go over a few ground rules. 1. No talking to Crazy Ralph, the local halfwit who sometimes drops by to tell us we';re all doomed. He';s clearly crazy and should not be taken seriously. 2. If you sneak away to have sex, please be courteous and find an isolated place in the woods where no one can hear you moaning or screaming. 3. Cellphones don';t work here. Our unreliable rotary phone will be our only contact with the outside world. Just saying. 4. If you start to hear noises, like footsteps approaching your tent, or the ghostly whispers of long-ago murdered children, it';s probably just the wind. I';ll close by saying let';s all have a great summer, be safe, and forget that a boy drowned here 30 years ago today and his body was never found!

Well ain';t this some stuff -- a little taste of your own medicine! Nope, sorry, I can';t take the boot off -- I only have the power to put them on. Oh, I';m sure it';s all a huge misunderstanding. All you need to do is call the number on the tickets, pay the combined $1587.32 fine, and hope that the boot remover gets here before the tow truck, which is already on its way. Sure, you can protest the tickets. Simply take a day off work and wait in line in some hellacious courtroom for eight hours until the asshole desk clerk says that you';re in the wrong building. You know, standard stuff. Of course, since you will have already paid the fees, we naturally take that as an admission of guilt.

Here are the original blueprints for the SS Italiano, a concept for a WWII-era American submarine. Legend has it the idea originated when a Navy engineer took a lunch order for an "Italian sub sandwich" too literally. The groundbreaking -- some might say too groundbreaking -- design of the sub called for a "coldcut and fixins"-based interior and weapons system. Thankfully the project was halted just before the sub made it into production. Military experts agree that it would not have been a very functional weapon, what with its tomato torpedoes and salami-enforced frame. Nevertheless, the Italiano played a key role in the War when its blueprints fell into German hands. The resulting panic sent German engineers to work on the ill-fated "Das Wiener Schnitzel" countermeasure when they could have been perfecting the V2 rocket.

Right this way, folks! You';re looking at perhaps the world';s most impressive collection of error notes! We';ve got some of the most coveted misprints in the history of the Federal Reserve, including the 1928A series ten-dollar note with a five-dollar reverse -- only eight known to exist! But let';s cut the chase. Behold, the King of All Error Notes! The famous "Wrong Jackson" 1983B 20-dollar note. If you look closely, you';ll see that the Treasury actually printed a portrait of the wrong Jackson -- Michael instead of Andrew! And he';s even wearing his famous red leather jacket! How did this happen? Let';s just say that machines, like humans, are not insusceptible to error -- or the "';Thriller'; fever" that was sweeping the nation at the time! And now, if you';ll follow me, we';ll get a chance to see the famous "Denzel Washington" $1 bill...

It';s hard to pick a favorite Mark Twain quote. "Always tell the truth; then you don';t have to remember anything." Wise words! "Golf is a good walk spoiled." Heh, so true. And, perhaps his most famous line, "That';s what she said." Wait. Did the intern put this list of quotes together? Damnit, I said not to have the intern do it! Every time he does research, this happens. For the last time: Shakespeare never said, "This shit writes itself." Gandhi never said, "May the force be with you." And Mark Twain never said, "That';s what she said." Actually, maybe he did say it. I mean, technically speaking, he must';ve uttered the words "That';s what she said" at some point in his life, right? Who cares how he intended it? Look, we already printed the t-shirts -- let';s just go with it. Now, the real question: What to do with all these Aristotle "Show Me the Money!" shirts?

Imagine if our early ancestors had developed skateboards. That would';ve changed up the ol'; evolutionary timeline, eh? When you think about it, it';s not that far flung. Once you';ve invented the wheel, most of the heavy lifting is done. Then it';s a matter of slapping a piece of found wood on top. And maybe some well-placed sticks and stones to serve as the trucks, which could be held together by a strong sap or resin. Just imagine how history would have changed. Instead of hitting a golf ball on the Moon, Alan Shepard would have done a lunar kickflip. Jackie Robinson would have broken the color barrier at the X Games (which would be called The Normal Games). And Jesse Owens would have shattered Hitler';s Aryan myth by taking gold in Vert, Park, Street and Big Air. We';re not saying it would have been likely -- just not impossible.

Zut alors! It';s What';s that beast scaling up the Eiffel Tower? It';s King Kong';s French cousin, "Le King Kong!" Those planes better watch out or they';ll get swatted with his giant baguette! (Incidentally, where do you think he got a roll of French bread that big? Does he go to an enormous bakery?) They say Le King Kong is very similar to his American cousin, except he wears a beret, takes leisurely lunches, and tends to cheat more often on the screaming blond women he kidnaps to his mountain lair. If you look closely, you can still see the scar he got from his fight with the Italian Godzilla, who nearly ran him over on his giant Vespa. Thank god German Tyrannosaurus Rex was there to save him with his mechanical lederhosen!

Cue the trumpet intro, it';s time for the famous training montage! Here goes Rocky pounding the speed bag! Now he';s doing one-armed pushups! Holy crap, look him getting whacked in the stomach with the medicine ball! Oh, and there he goes punching racks of raw meat! Getting strong now! Won';t be long now! And now for the culmination: Rocky triumphantly charges up the steps of the Philadelphia Museum of Art on his trusty bicycle and raises it over his head! Gonna fly now! Flying high now! Wait...Was he really riding a bicycle? I don';t remember that. Is this the director';s cut or something? Weird. It kind of works though. I mean, it just feels right, you know? Hell yeah! Rocky and his bicycle!

OK guys, thanks for a fun weekend. Before you go, remember that you all owe me for the cabin, so please pony up. Cash only, please. No, Derrick, I don';t accept personal checks. Why? Because they';re a pain in the ass, and also because you belong to that weird credit union with the golf ball logo and I just don';t trust it. No, Jen, please don';t PayPal me. Last time you did that I had to remind you 40 times, and then you forgot to select the "personal gift" option so I got charged a fee. Guys, seriously, you need to bring cash. Dude, Josh, what the hell is this? A gift card? Are you kidding me? I don';t care if it';s accepted at any Loews AMC Cineplex nationwide. You know what';s accepted everywhere? Actual freakin'; money. I can';t pay the rent with a movie gift card. Andre, before you even start, I';m not going to trade for another one of your glass sculptures. This isn';t Burningman, dude, this is real life. OK, that';s it. Next year one of you deadbeats can plan the trip.

Look at you, Urban Road Warrior! You';ve got the extra-sweet, vintage white frame with the black saddle. Fixed gear? Natch. Who needs more than one gear? Besides, breaks are for cowards. Man, I';ll bet when you park this thing, you wrap ';er up with a u-lock, a cable lock, a wheel lock, and a friggin'; bear trap just in case. Yes, she';s a mighty fine steed. What';s that I see in the drink holder there? Is that what I think it is? Let';s see... paper bag... tallboy can... Yup, that';s a roadie if ever I';ve seen one! The paper bag isn';t fooling anybody, just so you know. But don';t worry, I won';t tell. And besides, it';s not illegal if you';re riding a bike. What';s that? It is illegal? Well, it shouldn';t be. I text while I';m on my bike all the time, and I haven';t been to the ER all year. Except that one time last week. (Good thing that store window was there to break my fall or that could';ve been bad.) By the way, can I have a sip of that PBR?

Who says the Summer of Love ended in 1967? Maybe for all you squares it did. But not here in the Haight. You can gentrify to your heart';s content. The Haight will still be the bongo-smacking, wise-cracking, patchouli-smelling, psychoactive melting pot of freaks that it';s always been. (Not to mention home to the crappiest weed this side of Tijuana.) And no amount of trendy bars, fed-up yuppie residents, or at-risk youth centers will ever change that. I mean, just look at this. Even the dogs here have dreadlocks. Is that a nose ring, too? I';ll be damned. He';s really drinking the Kool Aid.

Do I look like a cat to you boy? Am I jumpin'; around all nimbly bimbly from tree to tree? Am I drinking milk from a Hey, wait, that actually is a cat. And he doesn';t seem too amused. Figures. Don';t you think a cat would make the perfect hard-ass cop? He';d be a police commissioner';s dream, doing everything by the book. Plus he';d be constantly power tripping, twirling his baton, calling everyone "boy," and making you think you';re going to the clink over some petty jaywalking infraction. A dog would be too chill to be a cop. He might pull you over for speeding, but then he';d be like, "Look I was young once too -- just keep it under 85. Ruff!" But not a cat. No way. It';s in his DNA. You stop laughing right meow!

Sniffles is the leader of a gang of rambunctious cats in futuristic Britain whose hobbies include classical music, nihilistic violence and peeing in the laundry basket. After his underlings betray him and leave him for the SPCA, Sniffles agrees to take part in an experiment to shorten his sentence. The "aversion therapy" is designed to make cats cough up furballs at the slightest suggestion of misbehavior. Sniffles is strapped to a chair, with his eyelids forced open, and subjected to a movie of puppies tearing up his Twinkle Mouse squeak toy, to the soundtrack of Beethoven';s "Ode to Joy." The film raises questions about the nature of "goodness." Is it right to use psychological conditioning to stop immoral behavior? Turns out, some of us are just bad kitties. Very. Bad. Kitties.

These days we';re all trying to get the most out of our dollar. Here are some creative ways to "do it yourself" and save a little dough! Business (Very) Casual! Who needs a fancy new sweater? With some duct tape, a felt-tip marker, and a little magic, you can turn an ordinary t-shirt into an argyle sweater! (Shhh! Only the guys at the hardware store will know for sure.) Skip the Stylist! Need a fancy coloring job for that upcoming wedding? Do it yourself with food coloring. It';s only a fraction of the cost of professional hair coloring and does just as good a job! (Editor';s Note: This article was written by an unmarried, 45-year-old man.) Repair Your Own Gaslines: How hard could it be? "Distill it Yourself": We all love a good swig of White Lightning with our squirrel gumbo, but paying for moonshine is like throwing money into the swamp! For tips on distilling your own batch, consult the Internet. Or consult One-Eyed Otis down by the ole copper mine.

Pissed off and in a rush? Come to Liquor, Explosives & Ammo Emporium now with convenient drive-thru service! Let';s face it, we all go a little crazy now and then. You catch your best friend sleeping with your lady. Some jackass in a German car cuts you off. The little prick at the AM/PM tells you they';re out of Winston Menthols. Until now, acting on your every impulse to get boozed up and take revenge meant going to some big-box retailer. And by the time you got out of your car, found your bottle of Old Crow and semi-automatic rounds, then waited in line, you probably forgot what all the fuss was about. No more! At Liquor, Explosives & Ammo Emporium, we';ll have you raging drunk and armed to the gonads faster than you can say, "Maybe this isn';t such a good idea." And with our new Rapid Fire Rewards Card (TM), your purchases are deducted from a prepaid account so you';ll barely have to interact with another human! (And let';s face it, that';s probably a good thing.)

We';ve all heard the legend about George Washington: I cannot tell a lie, father. I did cut down the cherry tree." But I';ll bet you didn';t know his next words were, "That';s what you get for smokin'; my s--t." It';s true! OK, maybe we embellished a little. (Critics would say it was more likely a plum tree.) But there';s no disputing the fact: George Washington was the original Chronic. No disrespect to Dre. "The Chronic" was a seminal hip hop album. But he';s got nothing on GW. The guy was growing acres of weed more than 200 years before Dre was starting his "shiny disco suit" phase with the World Class Wreckin Cru. That';s some serious OG cred. Sure, you can talk all you want about how he technically grew hemp, which was valued for it for its fiber to make rope, paper, and clothing. Haters always gonna hate. Fact is, they didn';t used to call it "Mount Vernon Skunk Juice" for nothing.

We';re better than you. We just are. If you have to ask why, that just proves our point. Are those factory-issue Nikes you';re wearing? Mmm, that';s cute. Ours are custom-designed by a graffiti artist in Lagos who paints with live snakes and has never been seen in public. The leather is made of anti-matter. That';s why you can';t even see them. Nice iPhone. Did you get a good deal on it? I';m just asking because it';s been obsolete for, like, two weeks so I hope you didn';t pay full price. Frankly, it';s a little embarrassing that you would see fit to leave the house with that. You must feel really secure with yourself. We shit limited edition turds. Each one is signed and numbered by Shepard Fairey. Wait, please don';t go.

The problem with ranting against "Mission hipsters" is that everyone is one, and nobody admits to being one. We, on the other hand, freely admit guilt. But if you';re still grappling with whether you qualify, here';s a quick test: 1. Do you sometimes call Ritual Roasters "the office?" (Add 1 point.) 2. Does your schnoodle also have an ironic sweater? (Add 2 points.) 3. Do you know what a Bicycle Music Festival is? (Add 2 points.) 4. Do you keep a journal of your Muni travels? (Add 1 point.) Are you looking for a publisher? (Add 3 points.) 5. Do you refer to anything east of Valencia as "the deep Mission"? (Add 1 point.) 6. Did your last "political rally" concern the opening of an American Apparel store? (Add 1 point.) 7. Were you wearing an American Apparel product at the time? (Add 2 points.) 8. Do you know who Cesar Chavez was? (Subtract 2 points.) If you totaled 7 or more points, congrats! You';re officially part of the problem.

New in town? Here are some tips and rules to ensure a safe and pleasant MUNI ride: 1. No radios are allowed on MUNI. Apparently that doesn';t apply to the linebacker-shaped gentleman who just sat next to you with his boombox. (We hope you like Too Short.) 2. Do not distract the driver while the bus is moving, particularly if he';s already on a phone call, in the middle of a fistfight, or both. 3. If you need to catch the bus but you';re not near a bus stop, don';t be afraid to "hail one down," like a cab. (Remember, San Francisco has free health insurance.) 4. Make the front seats available to seniors, persons with disabilities, and able-bodied assholes who pretend not to know any better.