Teenormous T-shirts

And here we have a cock as it was meant to be seen -- in 3D! Just look at the way it jumps off the screen! Wait, what are you all laughing at? Oh. I see. You';re snickering at the word cock. Sigh. Rooster, people! I meant it as in rooster! Like a chicken? You know, you should really get your head out of the gutter. Might just learn something one of these days. Anyway, as I was saying, here we have the co -- er, rooster -- in 3D. Just look at the way it jumps off the screen! Why a rooster, you may ask? Why not, say, a tiger or a shark? Booooooring! That';s so obvious. A rooster is something you don';t expect. Therefore, it has the element of surprise. Also, chickens are the most direct relatives to dinosaurs. It';s true! You ever pay attention to how a rooster walks? They';re basically like mini T-Rexes. Except with a beak and feathers. Anyway, roosters are awesome.

If Hunter S. Thompson were to come back to life as an animal, we think he would be a giraffe. We';re really can';t explain why -- it just seems to fit. Something about a giraffe';s face and weird appearance just says "Gonzo" to us. And they both have kinda jittery personalities. Plus, they obviously both like to get high -- ha! (OK, dumb joke.) So here we have "Hunter S. Giraffe." This guy looks ready for a psychedelic roadtrip across the savanna! Maybe he';ll hop in his convertible with his sidekick/lawyer baboon, all the while fighting off visions of bats as the ether and mesculine take effect. But are the bats real or imagined? This is the wilderness, after all. I guess there';s no point in mentioning the hyenas. Poor bastard will see them soon enough.

Oui oui, huh huh! Et bonjour! I am zee French bulldog! I am not like zee English bulldog, non non! English bulldog is -- how you say? -- big and slow. Zey have big heads and -- what is zee word eeeeh -- slobbery mouth! Zey eat too many fish and chips, huh huh! Me, I am cute. People, zey all love me. I am also not like zee -- how you say? -- American bulldog. American bulldog he spend his whole life working. I am French, vee do not see zee point of the working so much. No no! Vee drink zee wine and eat zee cheese and have the fun! Some people call me zee "toy bulldog." HA! "Toy bulldog," you say? I spit on zis. Could a toy bulldog do zis? You see zat? I blow zee smoke rings in perfect circle.

Here we have a brief timeline of lighting technology throughout history. As you can see, our early ancestors used one of the most basic forms of lighting, the torch, to free them from the blindness of night. It was not until around 400 A.D. that the first candles were used. They would remain the primary form of man-made lighting for centuries. In the late 18th Century, oil lamps came into vogue -- using whale oil, and later kerosene. Of course, the greatest single advancement in lighting technology was the first light bulb in 1879. Since then, humans further improved upon this invention to make electric lighting safer, brighter, and more efficient. That is, of course, until 2012, when it all went to shit, as foretold by the Mayans. So now we';re back to the torch thing. Speaking of which, why the hell am I even here talking to you about this? I should be scavenging for rations in the rubble of a former Walmart. Or killing zombies. Anything but this.

OK, Mr. Simms, we have your X-rays back from the lab and I';m pleased to say I have good news. The accident you suffered while juggling on your unicycle drunk, while incredibly stupid, did no severe damage to your brain. You did suffer a grade-one concussion -- which is probably nothing new for you -- but I see no sign of lesions or traumatic brain injury. And most importantly, your cranial hamster was unhurt. See, there he is, still chugging away on his hamster wheel. Had he been injured, or even dazed, we might have had to perform an emergency rodentdectomy. That';s a very high-risk procedure and requires a trip to Petco, which isn';t covered by your insurance. I just hope you appreciate the seriousness of what could have happened. You';re only as good as your hamster, Mr. Simms. You';re a very lucky man. A very stupid, lucky man.

Edgar Allan Poe is known for his macabre tales of mystery and terror. The mere mention of his name brings to mind murderers, madmen and premature burials. Which makes the recent discovery of some of his lost manuscripts a bit surprising. Turns out, Poe';s tormented prose belied an almost schoolgirl-like giddiness. An early draft of The Raven reveals the following passage: Ghastly grim and ancient raven wandering from the Nightly shore Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night';s Plutonian shore!" Quoth the Raven, "Always and forever more. (PS: You rock!)" Or consider this unpublished line from The Island of the Fay. "The shade of the trees fell heavily upon the water, and seemed to bury itself therein, impregnating the depths of the element with darkness. And I thought to myself, ';I just wanna dance.';" Other shocking discoveries: The Tell-Tale Heart was originally titled Tell It To My Heart. The Cask of Amontillado was originally The Basket Full of Rainbows. And The Masque of the

OK, we know it';s not great. At least, not by our free-flowing standards. But we';re just saying, it could be worse. A lot worse. We could be living in the Congo. Or North Korea. Or Fresno. And just think of all the things that could have happened that didn';t. The global economy could have collapsed. Osama bin Laden could still be around. The Miami Heat could have won the NBA Finals. And it';s not like nothing good has happened. Just think of all we';ve accomplished over the past few years. Health care reform, iPads, Snuggies, Bud Light Lime, the return of Beavis and Butthead, those two British people getting married, sweet tea vodka, jeggings, the Red Zone Channel. We could do this all day. OK, so maybe "It could be worse" isn';t quite the same as, "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free." But, hey. Just sayin';. It could be worse.

This chart shows some of the most well known types of sharks. Each has its own distinctive traits. The bull shark gets its name from its stocky appearance and unpredictable behavior. The shortfin mako is the fastest shark, with a top swimming speed of over 30 mph. The hammerhead shark literally has a hammer-shaped head. Many think the great white is the most dangerous shark. Often overlooked is the loan shark. Loan sharks swim deep in the seamy underbelly of the ocean and prey on local "mom and pop" fish, as well as fish with gambling problems. They typically have a wide belly and are known to carry baseball bats. But other varieties wear suits and run banks. Last but not least is the infamous pool shark. This shark builds up the confidence of other sharks by pretending to be bad at swimming. Sometimes they even appear to be drunk as a ploy. Then, when the time is right, they strike with precision accuracy. They often have nicknames like "Fast Eddie" or "Kid Delicious."

OK, so there';s no life on Mars. Or at least no green guys with pulsating brains running around. In fact, there might not even be a drop of liquid water. So what? We still want to go! And we don';t mean sending a glorified erector set to push around some dirt and call it a day. No, we want to visit Mars. Seriously, how come this little Mars Rover gets to hang out there but not us humans? Sure, he';s charming in a "Johnny Five" from Short Circuit kind of way, but that';s no reason he should have free reign over an entire planet. Let';s just do this already. We know the technology is still years -- maybe decades -- away, but can';t we just find a shortcut? Isn';t there, like, a wormhole we can take or something? If the movie Total Recall is right (and we can only assume it is), we';re supposed to have a civil war on Mars by 2084. Let';s get going, people!

Great news, kids! Thanks to a big donation from the National Confectioners Association, we have funding for science again! And today we';re going to learn about the different layers of Earth. Please open your new, NCA-funded textbooks. Earth';s inner core is made of a substance known as nougat, which is basically a mixture of corn syrup, sugar and egg whites. On top of that is the liquid inner mantle, which is composed of gooey, delicious caramel. The rocky, outer mantle is packed with roasted peanuts (or, if the mood strikes, almonds). And finally, Earth';s surface -- or coating -- is of course made of rich, milk chocolate. So there you have it. Tomorrow, we';re going to learn about Mars and, if there';s time, the Milky Way.

How come hoity-toity Manhattan gets to have its own signature cocktail but not the rest of the five boroughs? (And please don';t tell us that a "Staten Island Ferry" counts. When was the last time you saw someone order that who hadn';t lost a bet?) To address this issue, we';ve made a handy map you can wear around town. Now, we understand that stereotypes are ignorant and deeply unfair. They can also be fun. So, Brooklyn hipsters, you get the obscure, micro-brewed Pale Ale. Hardscrabble Bronxites, you get Brass Monkey. Staten Island girls, you get the Fuzzy Navel. (Don';t look surprised.) And Queens... Well, when you live in Queens, one drink at a time just isn';t enough. So you get the Boiler Maker. Cheers, everyone! To New York!

I';ll bet this ol'; wisdom tooth has a few stories to tell. What sagely advice do you think he might lend us? Maybe something like, "The best things in life are not things. Free your heart from hate. And floss after eating Gummy Bears." He probably remembers the days when braces were made of wood. And people brushed their teeth with, like, cuttlefish bone. Yes, a lot';s changed since then. But certain truths remain the same. And maybe, if you';re lucky, he';ll share of those with you over a smoke of his pipe that he whittled from a toothpick. Speaking of, he should probably know that smoking could stain him yellow. Then again, what hasn';t hurt him yet ain';t gonna do him any harm now!

There it is -- the elusive flying squirrel! What luck to be able to see one so closely! The name flying squirrel is actually a misnomer. They don';t really fly so much as glide between trees by extending a furry membrane attached to their legs. But hey, don';t tell that to this guy! Clearly he';s a flying ace. He looks ready to cross the Atlantic! Or maybe go on a bombing raid over a heavily fortified bird feeder. And why shouldn';t he be a little bit cocky? Flying squirrels are basically the Wright Brothers of Rodentia. Ooh, "Wright Brothers of Rodentia" would be a good band name. And this guy could be their mascot! Nice.

There';s no shortage of great JFK quotes. The guy was basically a walking commemorative plate. But it';s one of his famous verbal blunders that we like. "Ich bin ein Berliner." Or, in English, "I am a jelly dounut." Sure, experts have since ruined our fun -- technically what he said could be considered "correct" -- but who cares? To us, it';s as much a part of our folklore as George Washington chopping the cherry tree or Dick Cheney shooting his friend in the face. (Wait, that one really did happen.) Of course, Kennedy';s gaff would not be the only verbal miscue for a US president speaking in Berlin. Twenty-four years later, President Ronald Reagan famously declared, "Mr. Gorbechev, tear down this wienerschnitzel!"

For years now, we at Headline Shirts have been alarming you of the coming Apocalypse. Admittedly, we may have misconstrued certain signs of impending doom -- the Mars landing, Octo-Mom, and the return the McRib, to name a few. But this time, it';s for real! I mean, just look at that. The. End. Is. Near. We';re not talking about some ambiguous crop circles in the middle of nowhere. We';re talking about a big, plain-as-day sign in the hills of Los Angeles! Hmmm. Now that we think about it, do you think anyone in LA will even notice? Just saying, LA people aren';t exactly known for their attentiveness. I mean, Death himself could probably ride down Sunset Blvd. on his pale horse -- with Hell following behind him -- and people would just think it was heavy smog.

Listen, Captain, all this nautical mumbo jumbo you';ve been telling us is really interesting, but let me spare you the trouble. Really, I';m just here for the booze. No offense. I';m glad to know about "tacking" and "jibing" and "basic flotation integrity." All that crap is great. But the truth is, I wouldn';t know a keelboat from a cruise ship. I just wanna get out there on the Bay and chug a few cold ones while watching the sunset. I think I probably speak for everyone in this Sailing Certification class when I say let';s cut to the chase and get this party started! So whadda ya say? Yes, I';ll leave. This has been a terrible booze cruise anyway.

What can I say? I';m an optimist. Some people would look at this glass of virgin blood and say it';s half empty. But I say it';s half full! It';s important to keep a positive attitude. Because, let';s face it, things don';t always go your way. Sometimes work can get you down. Or you have an argument with a loved one. Or you accidentally expose yourself to sunlight and burst into flames. These things happen. I say, when life gives you lemons, make lemonade! Then force your victims to drink that lemonade because this purifies their blood for later consumption. In other words, make the best of a bad situation! Hey, you only go through this crazy merry-go-round once -- you might as well enjoy the ride! Or one day, you';ll wake up and wonder where the last 600 years has gone.

In seemingly tough times like these, I like to turn to the lessons of Mohandas Gandhi for some perspective. Gandhi, of course, faced harsh oppression -- the likes of which most of us will never know -- and helped free the Indian people from British rule through nonviolent resistance. Along the way, Gandhi left us a legacy of words to live by. For instance, it was Gandhi who said, "An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind." He also said that "peace is its own reward." And he once proclaimed, "I am prepared to die, but there is no cause for which I am prepared to kill." I believe it was also Gandhi who said, "Relax. Don';t do it. When you want to suck to it. Relax don';t do it. When you want to come." It was one of his more lurid quotations, but it really makes sense when you think about it. Wait, are we sure that was Gandhi? See, this is why we need a fact checker.

We';re a sucker for 50s retro. Still, it';s nice to update an old classic for today';s youth to enjoy. "Let';s all go to the lobby" might have played well in 1953. But today';s BitTorrent-crazy kids have probably never seen the inside of a movie theater, let alone the lobby. So forget the lobby let';s all go to the party! And of course, we';ll need to update the cast of characters. Goodbye, popcorn, candy and soda. Hello, cigarettes, 40 ounce and dime bag! These ain';t your grandma';s refreshments! Actually, we don';t know that about your grandma. I mean, not all grandmas are about sewing circles and ribbon candy. Maybe yours was this awesome, hard-partying babe back in the day. Hell, maybe she still is. We';re not saying that anyone should buy this shirt for their grandma. Just that, you know, even grandmas were young once. You';d be surprised.

Just own it, already. We can cover it up with technology, sophisticated language and chest wax, but the fact is, we';re only 2 percent genetically different from this guy. A few chromosomes this way, and suddenly we';re all climbing trees and dining on termites. All the global human dominance in the world can';t hide it. In the grand view, we';re all just tailless primates. And it makes perfect sense when you think about it. Just look at the similarities. Conflict and peacekeeping, medicinal plant usage, Robin Williams. The list goes on and on. So next time you get down on yourself, step back and get a little perspective. You';re a very highly functioning chimp! Now go put on that monkey suit and get back to work.

Maybe I';m just paranoid, but I feel like I';ve been seeing a lot of signs lately. The other day, a fortune cookie told me to "Get my affairs in order." The next day, the local weather report said "partly cloudy, with a chance of locusts." And then I saw this bar code. Now, I know people often claim to see Jesus'; face in a tree stump or a piece of toast, but this seems different. I mean, come on! How could that be a coincidence? On the other hand, maybe I';m just freaking out over nothing. I mean, my GPS system doesn';t normally tell me that "the day of reckoning will come like a thief in the night," but that could just be a new feature.

Chin up, little guy! Hang in there! Everything';s gonna be OK! Because you';ve got determination. You';re a sloth, dammit! Forget what they say you';re the most determined animal on Earth. You';re like nature';s version of the freaky kid in school that all the bullies pick on. You';re slow as molasses a sitting duck in dodgeball. You';ve got that freaky "Edward Scissorhands" thing going with the toes. You probably pick your nose a lot. And somehow you';ve always wearing that weird, self-satisfied smile. Yes, you';ve got "outcast" written all over you. But somehow you manage to keep on truckin';. Or crawlin';, anyway. And like most freaks, you';ve figured out what you';re good at. In this case, blending into trees and eating really slowly. And now you';re comfortable with who you are. You';ve got inner peace. If you were a person, you';d probably have a tattoo that said, "True 2 Myself" or something awesome like that.

It';s one of the most iconic images of WWII. General MacArthur sloshing ashore in the Philippines, where he swore he would return two years earlier. But you may not know that the photo was one of many taken that day. MacArthur loved the scene so much, he ordered his crew to repeat the walk ashore dozens more times for the photographer. The General even began incorporating props. It started modestly, with MacArthur smoking his famous pipe. Then it got weird. In several frames, MacArthur can be seen "riding" an inflatable dolphin like a bronco. For another sequence, he ordered a sand sculpture of Emperor Hirohito made, just so he could smash it. But perhaps the most iconic images are of the normally stoic MacArthur wearing shorts and carrying a surfboard (shown here). MacArthur';s advisors would later need to dissuade him from using the surfboard photos in his memoirs a decision he regretted until the day he died.

Wow. That';s a terrible idea you just had. I';m not even going to humor you -- that was epically bad. I';m actually kind of impressed. I couldn';t think of a worse idea if you gave me the week off. Seriously, though, that was like the Citizen Kane of bad ideas. It would have swept the "Palme D';or for Worst Idea" prize at the Terrible Ideas Festival. Hell, they might have even given you a lifetime achievement award just for that one idea. If there were a show called The Big Terrible Idea with Donny Deutsch, you would be featured on every episode. That idea was so bad that I';ve already forgotten what it was. Something about a spork attachment for your iPhone? Or no, it was the live action movie about the Battleship board game! Wait, no, I think that';s actually happening. Damn, what was it again?